Vocal Neighbors

Ugh, we spoke with a police officer today. Our local paper has a column called Police Beat. It lists events in which the police were involved in local activities, criminal or civil. It's always very interesting when a familiar name is mentioned. By the way, I - a picture of me, that is - was on the front page of the issue that covered the Running of the Balls two years ago.

We have a piece of property that has a view. It's not grand. But it is a view that warrants a high powered telescope for a housewarming present. The neighbors in the homeowners association have been breathing down our necks about keeping it prim and proper. "Take down the blackberry bushes! Take down the spindly runners before they turn into drunken saplings!" Well, they didn't really call the saplings 'drunk', but they sure look like it.

Yesterday, a fellow expressed interest in this piece of property. So this morning, we and 4 Mexicans started cutting down the brush and saplings so as to have a better sight of the property. We hadn't been at it more than an hour when the neighbor below came rushing at us screaming obscenities and racial slurs at us for cutting down his trees. "You're on MY property! I'm going to sue you for everything you have! I'm a lawyer who specializes in sueing poopy builders like you!" He didn't really say poopy, but it isn't nice to say the word he used, or anywhere for that matter, especially if it's used as an adjective to describe an innocent person.

These neighbors were especially vocal!

5-Star replied "Why would you say that? You don't know anything about me, or what I do, and yet you call me poopy. So you're a lawyer; how would you like it if I called you a poopy lawyer just because you have no idea where your property ends?" Well, this must have really pissed him off because he went off and garnered reinforcement from his neighbor.

Now we have Neighbor No. 2 calling the Mexican guys [racial slur for people of Latino descent]'s, and me a word that means female dog.

Yup, that vocal.

But why he called us names is beyond me. I wasn't actually there when he did it - chicken! - which made him very fortunate. I once reduced a mean, grumpy, impenetrable airline ticketing agent to a sack of blubbering apologies with just my deathly stare and asthmatic breaths when she deleted my reservation in her haste to close the stand-by list, and shoo the stranded passengers away. It suddenly became quiet, and someone whispered calling me a bulldog, which is nicer than [female dog].

(Thank you, whoever you were.)

Point is, Neighbor No. 2 would have run away crying, and curl up in the fetal position, sucking his thumb if I had heard him call me that not-nice word.

(Yes, I'm PMSing! I cry at Coca Cola commercials, and want to punch the Benefiber actress. You got a problem with that?!)

(I thought so.)

(Now, where was I?)

"Those are my trees and brush you cut down!" he raged on.

The neighbors called the Police. And the police, after studying the survey that 5-Star provided, said to the neighbors "it does appear that this gentleman stayed well within the boundaries of his property. He has agreed to stop working today. But that IS his property, so he has the right to do with it as he pleases..."

"See that stake," said the lawyer. "That's where my property ends, and this guy cut trees on my side of it!"

The stake was in fact the marker for the arcing point of the property. And the lawyer who sues poopy builders, discovering the the word "Arc" clearly marked on the stake, suddenly changed the tune of his song. Now the song went like this: "I am not at all opposed to him doing what he wants to do on his property, but we deserve the courtesy of being informed of what he plans to do."

"Yeah, you're supposed to ask us if it's okay with us that you start cutting down blackberry bushes and saplings!" Neighbor No. 2 interjected.

Huh? Should I ask your permission to weed OUR property too?

If I wasn't so upset, I would have felt embarassed for him. But I was upset, and I felt a certain vindication when I imagined how the lawyer was now backpedaling, fishing for a way out of looking so silly.

Lawyer Who Sues Poopy Builders Does Not Know Legal Descriptions.

I wasn't surprised, more disappointed really, when he turned to Neighbor No. 2 and asked "didn't you have water damage in your garage recently?"

"Yeah," said the second neighbor. "I had to built an asphalt burm to divert water away from my garage, otherwise the water washes in."

"Well, you claim that with your insurance company, and you tell them to get the money from this guy [us]. Especially now that he's cut down the trees. I'll help you. We can get a lot of money out of him!"

I was standing right next to them when he said this. So I figured he was saying this to frighten me.

Why? What have I ever done to him? I've never talked to him before, and I certainly have never set foot on his property, nor sent anyone to set foot on it. So why is he doing this?

(Ugh, I could do to him what I imagine doing to the BeneFiber model!)

In an ideal world, my neighbors would be nice, civil people. This doesn't mean we won't have our differences. But when we voice them, it would be in an objective and civil manner. But alas, this honorable world is but a figment of my dreams. I dream then, that I could get back to mowing our lawns and pruning our trees in peace.

But then we wouldn't have headlines like "Vocal Neighbors Outraged, Police Called to Maintain the Peace".

And reporters would be at a loss for stories.

And the public service department would never be recognized for their good deeds.

And the homeowners' association would still be - is - breathing down our backs.

And I'd be happy to autograph the Police Beat in next week's edition for you.

(Tissue please. Ford F-150 commercial about hauling blocks of solid granite. Sob...)